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What If They Were On American Idol?

March 7th 2010 01:38

Let's get something straight here first and foremost. I'm just not that big of a fan of American Idol.

Oh sure, as strictly entertainment value while I'm eating dinner or whatever, it provides a harmless, and occasionally humorous enough diversion. I laughed as hard as anybody else during the Sanjaya segments from a few seasons back, and I especially love the earlier parts of the competition where guys like William Hung or "Pants On The Ground" guy are weeded out.

You go, Platt!

Still, I could use a lot less of the really nasty references to things like "monkeys" and "retards." That's just some really hateful stuff. But I digress...

In the cases of both aforementioned contestants, I especially love it when they actually catch on in a populist sense. To me, this is musical subversiveness at its most fly-in-the-ointment-best — color me nuts, but I was one of the guys actually rooting for Sanjaya, okay?.

That said, I have also wondered aloud to myself what would happen if some of the musical greats from the past were to go up before the American Idol judges? Would they pass the test? My money is on doubtful — but I'll let you decide. More on that in a minute...

Here's the thing though.

One thing that I like, watching this season of Idol as I usually do at about the same time the Pork N' Beans and Rice are sizzling on the burner, is that the judges seem a little more willing to break through the barrier of innocuous pop singers that have characterized the series thus far than usual...

I like that. I like that a lot actually...

As Kara told one contestant, at least in not-so-many words, "You are bringing something different to Idol — and maybe after seeing you, we can somehow find our way outside of this cookie-cutter crap."

Okay, I added that last part. But one can hope, right?.

On that note, they do seem to be looking for something a bit different this year than someone who can trill a Mariah Carey song like nobody's business. For which I can only say "Thank God" and good for them. It's about damn time, even if it's a case of too little too late.

To that end, my money is on the chicks this year.

Damn, did I really just say that? Not just the part about the chicks, but the admission that my money is actually on anybody?

Have I actually been drawn into this overblown karaoke contest that has, at least in my own humble opinion, contributed more heavily than anything else — including free internet downloads — to the downward spiral of the record industry this past decade? Am I really ready to sign on to the whole idea of the here-today, gone-tomorrow stars promoted by American Idol?

The truth is that, yes, perhaps I am.

Are any of these Clay Aikens, Adam Lamberts, or even Kelly Clarksons going to have any sort of a shelf life beyond their allotted fifteen minutes? Hell no, they are not. Will our grandchildren remember them the same way we remember the Beatles or Dylan? No, I am sorry, but they will not. That's a frickin' guarantee.

The American Idol franchise is on life support as it stands anyway, and anyone with a brain knows it. Ratings magnet Simon is gone after this season, and just between you and me, I don't think that whoever they get to replace him — the smart money right now is on former U2 producer Steve Lillywhite — will reverse the downward spiral. The party is over, and for my money at least, thank God that it is happening before I go bemoaning this monstrosity into my own grave.

But that's just me...

The singers this year — save for the occasional breath of fresh original air like Lily Scott or Crystal Bowersox — mostly suck. The fact that my own money is on one of these two to win it all this year is largely moot.

We already know what happens to anybody with a remote streak of artistry or actual originality on Idol. Just ask Constantino (or whatever that guy's name was). Better yet, ask Adam Lambert — because his personal fifteen minutes are about to be up any second now. Gay glitter rock went out back in the seventies with Queen and Bowie, okay?

So put a fork in it kids, cause it's done and then some. And in my own humble opinion it couldn't come a second sooner. Hopefully, Lily or Crystal wins it all this year, and we can salvage something from what I am sure will be for generations to come the decade we all re-discovered our inner Pat Boone. And a none-too-begrudgingly hippy-hippy shake to that, okay?...

But it's done. Thank me later for saying so.

So in the interest of dancing on Idol's grave, I thought it might be fun to imagine how some of the greats from the past might fare in the "competition."

So what if? Let's take two:

Janis Joplin sings "Ball And Chain":

Randy: So listen up, dawg...oh,sorry, I meant "dawg-ette." You've got it on goin' on! It was a little pitchy in places...but man, I gotta' tell ya'... Dawg...I'm lovin' the whole look! You are hot, baby, hot!"

Ellen: Wow man, you were really wonderful, but I'm just not that comfortable with your song choice. So what was your phone number again?

Kara: Listen sweetheart, we loved you back in San Francisco, and I'm just wondering what happened to the sweet little girl we all fell in love with?

I'm a big fan, and I'm rooting for you...but this was a terrible song choice for you tonight...I'm really sorry. What we need to see is more of that country girl we all fell in love with back at the audition. Don't shout so much, honey, okay? More of that "Bobby McGee" thing, that's what we want to see...but I'm still your biggest fan."

Simon: Janis, I am just horribly disappointed here...(boos from audience)...Sorry, but that was utterly atrocious! I had faith in you based on the audition, but those wild shrieks of yours only had me reaching for my bottle of Excedrin! Your a very nice girl, but you simply belong back at the soda fountain where we found you (sorry....).

Bob Dylan sings "Like A Rolling Stone":

Randy: (Hilarious Shrieks Of Laughter)... Dawg! Dawg! Dawg! — you know I'm your biggest fan, right? But what is up with with that voice? You know I'm lovin' that whole guitar-and-harmonica thing, right, dawg? But I was just feeling the whole "Knockin' On Heavens Door" thing from your audition in Minnesota a whole lot more, dawg. I'm still a fan, but definitely not your best performance, dawg."

Ellen: Wow, Bobby, I just really don't know what to say here! Too wordy, for one thing. If I was at home vacuuming up cat fur from my carpet, I'd much rather have visions of you laying across my big brass bed than having me scrounging for my next meal — ya' know what I mean? I'm still a fan, but this was definitely not your best performance.

Kara: Wow, Bob, that was just all over the place, okay? The vocal performance was just really pitchy, and it wasn't the best song choice, okay? Get with me after the show though, okay? Because man, have I got the song for you!

Simon: Look Bob, I like you. I really do. But that performance was absolutely the worst thing I have ever heard. Your voice sounded dreadful, and I could make absolutely no sense of the lyrics, because you seemed to be mumbling them to yourself. At this point, I doubt you will make it past this round...sorry...

(Boos)....Sorry, but were any of you hearing the same thing I just did? The worst performance I have heard so far this entire competition!

Have I made my point?

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Posted By: Glen Boyd - Category: No Category

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Talkin' Bout My Record C-C-C-Collection

February 28th 2010 03:44

As a guy who has not only written about, but also obsessed heavily — and some would say rather unhealthily — over rock and roll for the better part of five decades now, my own personal record collection has long been a source of personal pride to me. So much so in fact, that I consider it to be a unique part of my identity. But the truth is that I'm also guilty of that worst of music-snob crimes. I actually judge other people by their record collections.

Think I'm kidding?

There are a lot of reasons that at 53 years old I'm still single, most of which are probably best left unexplored here. But I'm reasonably certain that at least a few of them have to do with the numerous times I've gone over to a potential Mrs. Right's house for dinner, only to be promptly chased out on a rail for snickering a little too loudly at the Kenny G or Sting CD's sitting proudly atop her stereo.

Hey, I love to get lucky as much as the next guy. But all the candlelight and expensive wine in the world just can't warm me up to a woman who actually wears her Phil Collins albums on her sleeve like some kind of proud badge of adult-contemporary honor. Something about all that Su-Su-pseudo-hipness just really dampens the mood for me, okay?

Beyond my love life (or lack thereof) though, this affliction has likewise negatively impacted my professional career. The fact that I spend my unemployed days sleeping well into the afternoon, and my nights toiling endlessly over articles like this one, is no accident. Word of advice to the still employed: Never tell your boss his record collection sucks.

There is a true story I can now recount, about how I was once physically thrown out of the home of a former employer for making a snide comment about his choice in music. I believe the offending quote was something along the lines of how the seventies had called and wanted their 8-tracks back, once I examined his music collection and found it more than a bit heavy on artists like The Steve Miller Band, Styx, and Supertramp.

That guy who goes straight to your sound system when invited over for the big game on Sunday? Yup, that's me. Guilty as charged.

There is however a flip side to this sort of obsessive snobbishness, and that's when an equally musically snobbish friend turns the tables and decides to bust you on your own record collection.

One such friend (who is also a regular contributor here at BC) loves nothing more than to crash at my house after a night of heavy drinking and take over my CD player. He is also very predictable, and heads straight for the same CD's every single time. As a result, what used to be my favorite Alice In Chains album (Jar Of Flies) is now something I can barely stand to listen to.

The other thing this friend likes to do, though, especially if we've been drinking, is argue. One thing he especially loves to do is criticize and pick apart my music collection even as he has commandeered my stereo. The arguments usually start with questions about why I'm missing such "essential" albums as The Clash's Sandinista or McCartney's Band On The Run, yet own hits collections by such "disposable" bands as Duran Duran and Culture Club. From there, things usually end with my friend reminding me of how much my collection sucks, right before he passes out on my couch. I mean, what else are friends for, right?

So the question is, what exactly should the music collection of a so-called Rockologist in good standing contain? And conversely, what shouldn't be anywhere near my CD player? Since my friend has seen fit to freely express his opinion on this subject so many times over, I recently decided to take a closer look myself.

I have about 2000 CD's in my library, and in examining them I've actually discovered a lot about myself. For starters, I have way more records by Abba than I probably should. But going deeper...

Remember those "adult-contemporary" albums I mentioned? The ones I've kissed so many a night of sexual bliss away over? Well, I'm happy to report that I'm respectfully light on the Rod Stewart (at least post-Jeff Beck Group) and the Kenny G. But I'm also embarrassingly heavy in the Phil Collins and Sting departments (at least if albums by Genesis and the Police count).

Likewise, I also have to admit that although I'm a few Bob James CD's shy of a stint as music director for the local smooth jazz station, I own just enough Sade albums to earn me a spot on the playlist.

But since this is a Rockologist sort of thing we're talking about, let's get into the subject of actual "Rockology." What exactly are the albums that no self-respecting Rockologist should be without, and where do these albums fall within the confines of my own collection?

So let's see... Sgt. Pepper? Rubber Soul? Check. Blonde On Blonde? Blood On The Tracks? Check. Let It Bleed? Exile On Main Street? Check. Born To Run? Darkness? Check. On The Beach? Rust Never Sleeps? Check. Pet Sounds? Check. Nevermind? Check. OK Computer? Check. Dark Side Of The Moon? Double-check.

So far, so good. But hold on a second...

Where's Led Zeppelin IV? Where's Who's Next?

To be perfectly honest here, as much as I love both the Who and Zeppelin, both of these albums have been so overplayed by album-rock and classic-rock radio stations over the years, it sometimes feels like hearing them ever again would be like having razor blades driven deep into my eardrums.

Like I said, I love both bands. But I'll take side four of Quadrophenia over pretty much anything on Who's Next. Ditto for "Ten Years Gone" over "Stairway To Heaven." Come to think of it, lately I've been listening to the modern-day croak of Dylan far more than anything off of Highway 61 or Blood On The Tracks. Likewise, I much prefer the icy textures of Radiohead's Kid A and Amnesiac to anything off of OK Computer. I also liked Nirvana much better when the Stooges did it the first time around on Raw Power.

Looking a bit deeper into my own collection, there is also just enough genuine weirdness there to reveal more about my own personality than I'd probably care for most people to know. From the avant-feminism of Patti Smith, Vanessa Daou, and Julee Cruise, to the New Age somnambulism of Klaus Schulze and Bo Hannson, to the complex progginess of Crimson and Porcupine Tree — if anything my collection probably proves me to be a total musical schizophrenic.

So let's make a deal...you stay away from my record collection and I'll stay away from yours. And please don't tell anybody about the Al Stewart albums, okay?

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Posted By: Glen Boyd - Category: No Category

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Who's Next For The Super Bowl?

February 7th 2010 09:04

With Super Bowl Sunday nearly upon us, you really can't help but marvel at just how far the halftime show has come these past ten years or so. When the Who open for the Colts (as well as that other team) on Sunday, they'll follow in the footsteps of a who's who of superstar rock acts which in recent years has included no less than Springsteen, McCartney, Petty, Prince, U2 and the Stones. It's definitely become a prestige gig.

It's easy to forget that the halftime tradition actually began way back when with the cheery, whitebread pablum of Up With People. Back in those days, halftime meant either time to make a beer run, a potty run, or at the very least time to switch the channel over to the Lingerie Bowl.

At the same time, the NFL's decision to book mostly big-deal, classic rock acts in the wake of Janet Jackson's infamous "Nipplegate" appearance several years ago speaks volumes about just how safe rock has really become.

The Stones may have once danced with Mr. D and sang about starfuckers and cocksuckers, but these days they are as about as threatening as an old rerun of Leave It To Beaver, and inspire at least double the nostalgia value. Much as I hate to admit it, acts like these are in many ways a sort of Up With People for the new millennium. Even sacred cows like Springsteen and U2 have to admit that playing for the NFL is about as corporate as corporate rock gets.

With Led Zeppelin unavailable for bookings at the moment, the Who was the most obvious next-best choice for this year's big show. The perennial number three of the big sixties rock triumvirate along with the Beatles and the Stones, it was simply their turn. Well at least as long as a certain golden god of rock was busy playing bluegrass with Alison Krauss anyway...

Following Springsteen's halftime show last year won't be easy for Townshend and Daltrey either. The Boss pulled off the amazing feat of basically condensing his three hour rock and roll marathon and rock and roll revival meeting into the NFL's slotted fifteen minutes.

I don't expect the Who to suck. We're gonna get "Pinball Wizard" and "Won't Get Fooled Again" just as we got "Born To Run" and "Glory Days" last year. Townshend will probably throw a few windmills up in there too.

But I also don't expect it to be great.

Unlike Springsteen, the Who have definitely shown their age in recent years. Daltrey is still a powerful frontman as he demonstrated on his solo tour last fall, but his voice hasn't aged well. Don't expect to hear that famous closing scream during "Won't Get Fooled Again." Townshend's hearing has become so damaged from all those years performing with the Guinness World record holders for loudest band in the world, that he often performs with acoustic guitars rather than electric these days. So I expect the Who's performance will be Tom Petty decent, but not quite Prince or Springsteen great.

Which brings us to next year. The betting line forms here for who you think may follow Townshend and company for the big game in 2011. Here are some possibilities to ponder before you lay your money down:

AC/DC: If I were a betting man, this is who I'd be putting my money on. The Aussie bad boys won't be the NFL's first choice, but I'm betting the Eagles turn them down again. AC/DC is the perfect alternative. They are classic rock icons, and their simple, chunky riffing fits the smashmouth mentality of football like a glove. Nothing says jockspeak quite like a song like "Big Balls" does (although they probably won't be allowed to play that one). Besides, there hasn't really been a bonafide hard rock act at the Superbowl since Kiss, right? If AC/DC is good enough for Walmart, they are good enough for football. Odds: Dead-even

The Eagles: Although I'm relatively certain the Eagles will turn them down again, I include them here on the off chance they'll actually say yes this year. After all, Springsteen finally did, right? What makes the Eagles such a no-brainer is the way they walk such a fine line between rock and country. You can't really go wrong with a safe bet like this. Everybody's happy, and by the time the first down of the third quarter is played, no one will remember what they just heard. Take it easy, indeed. Odds: 5-1

Kenny Chesney: Of course, if you want to go country, why not go all the way? Country music is still as American as apple pie, and well, the NFL itself, and Chesney's brand of twang plays more like a countrified version of big stadium rock anyway. The chicks dig him, all those guys who drive Ford pick-ups secretly want to be him, and as long as he stays as hot as he is, there's definitely going to be a Super Bowl in his future at some point. It probably won't be next year though. Odds: 15-1

John Mellencamp: The former Johnny Cougar would certainly play well with the football crowd — especially if he stuck with the hits like "Rockin' In The USA," "Pink Houses," and the rest. Mellencamp's always been the sort of guy who plays well with conservatives who really want to like Springsteen, but can't get past his pinko politics (even though Mellencamp's blue stripes aren't too far removed from Bruce's). Like Petty was a few years ago, Mellencamp is the sort of the journeyman rocker who is a natural choice for the tailgating crowd. Odds: 10-1

Coldplay: Their music is big like U2, anthemic like Springsteen, and ever since they started wearing military style jackets in concert, they've even started to seem a bit more masculine than they used to. Love em' or hate em', they are also one of the biggest bands in the world and should have a new album ready to pimp by next year. The downside here of course is Chris Martin's still rather feminine falsetto, and some would say sometimes whiny sounding lyrics. Not exactly AC/DC tough, but don't count em' out either. Odds: 20-1

Neil Young: His songwriting pedigree is undeniable, and his classic rock credentials are impeccable — particularly if he packs up Crazy Horse for the ride. However, his unpredictability poses a problem. A crowd expecting "Rockin In The Free World" is just as likely to get something from Fork In The Road or an impromptu set of unreleased folkabilly tunes. Despite Neil's recent embrace of capitalism with 30-disc box sets and sky-high ticket prices, Neil would also likely shy away from anything as overtly corporate as the NFL. Springsteen got away with it only because the Boss is nothing if not a populist. Odds: 50-1

Bob Dylan: Dylan on the other hand doesn't seem to have much of a problem with appearing too corporate these days, what with the ads for Victoria Secret and all. Dylan's songs are also known and loved by pretty much everybody who has ever turned on a radio or sang at a karaoke bar. However, even if he played stuff like "Like A Rolling Stone," I just don't see the croak translating to a stadium full of rowdy football fans or a national television audience. Odds: 100-1

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The Case For Latter Day Bowie On A Reality Tour

January 23rd 2010 12:02

Although David Bowie has been pretty quiet for the last several years, his enduring influence is something which continues to permeate virtually every aspect of pop music today.

From the electronic excursions of bands like Nine Inch Nails and Radiohead — whose Kid A, Amnesiac, and In Rainbows make up a trilogy not at all unlike Bowie's seventies "Berlin" albums with Brian Eno — to the work of modern bands like Arcade Fire (who Bowie himself has enthusiastically and publicly endorsed), Bowie's stamp remains everywhere, even if the artist himself has been mostly silent in recent years

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The Rockologist: Pants On The Ground

January 17th 2010 05:56

Repeat after me, kids:

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End Of Decade Wrapup Part 3: Favorite Albums Of The Decade

December 13th 2009 07:39

To conclude my three-part wrap-up of the year and the decade, we come to the part of this exercise that was the most fun for your Rockologist.

This is where I got to go back and relive a lot of memories from the past ten years by listening to my favorite albums from that same period. Not all of those memories were good ones mind you, but even during the bad times these were the records that helped get me through them

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End Of Year, End Of Decade Wrapup Part 2: Who Were The Decade's Most Influential Artists?

December 13th 2009 02:23

So who exactly were the most influential musical artists of the past decade? Springsteen? Radiohead? Clay Aiken?

Well okay, two out of three ain't bad, right? But as we draw ever closer to the dawning of 2010, perhaps the more important question is why should we care? Fear not my friends, because your Rockologist has answers

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The Rockologist's End Of Year, End Of Decade Wrapup Part 1: Best Albums Of '09

December 11th 2009 06:46

2009 mostly sucked. Okay there, I said it.

Don't even get me started on Obama. After spending my first full year as one of America's newly massive underclass of unemployed professionals, you can count me as one of the millions still waiting for all that hope and change we voted for based on the promises of his 2008 candidacy. But anyway, back to music

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The Thought, The Thump, And The Poetry

November 8th 2009 01:32

It's a funny thing about rock stars.

You'd think that so many of them have the world on a string, the tiger by the tail, or whatever you'd otherwise choose to call it

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Will Blog For Promos: Making Sense Of The New Blogola

October 8th 2009 01:38

Whether you are a person who frequents blog sites on the internet, you own a personal blog, or you even write articles on websites like this one, you've probably heard about the FTC's intention to more closely regulate such things by now.

Established in 1914 by the Federal Trade Commission Act to promote consumer protection and combat anti-competitive practices, the Federal Trade Commission is the government agency charged with making sure all is fair in love and trade as relates to the American consumer

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March 2010

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